Blonde Cowboy

Death.. The word scares a lot of people, I mean come on it should scare me too.. But facing death for me made the word and I guess action easy for me to understand and handle as a person. Then again death at 17 years old is nothing you want to deal with but I did and matter of fact. I won and I am still winning as of today.

Being part of the sick community and gaining a ton of friends who know what I am going through and understand basically every physical and mental thing I am dealing with is pretty cool. What is not cool though is when they lose their own battle.. It is hard being part of the sick community because you take a gamble with your mental health since you don’t know if they or even yourself are gonna make it to the next day at times. I have lost so many people in my life and I thought maybe it would get easier over time but it has honestly only gotten harder. 

Everyone who is dealing with their own illness knows the “rate your pain on a scale from 1-10” phrase. Well I never used my 10 throughout my journey of my Autoimmune hepatitis because I thought that using the 10 wasn't realistic to me.. How could someone be at a bold 10 of pain and even be talking let alone not passed out on the floor? Well I was so wrong with that thought process. I experienced my 10 but it wasn’t physical pain it was mental pain that was so bad it became physical pain too. I promise, you DON’T want to experience that feeling ever! My whole body hurt so bad I eventually went numb and couldn’t even feel my legs, I basically collapsed to the ground. 

That 10 for me was losing my Blonde Cowboy. He knew exactly what I was going through 100%, and it's hard to find someone who “gets” the medical side of your journey. We met by chance, literally by chance.. But once we started talking, that was it, we both understood each other and that made it so easy for us to bond. When we would be in the hospital together we would figure out how to go see one another. Or if one of us was there the other would go see them and sometimes even stay with them if we could.. We connected over our medical things and also the usual stuff friends connect on; haha. Things were just “different” between us, and I would honestly do anything to get my Blonde Cowboy back. But I understand completely, as he is in a much better place. But that doesn”t make it any easier.

Now losing my Blonde Cowboy was difficult, but it has taught me how to love fearlessly and to not fret on the little things in life; just to be me and be happy. Life is so short and a lot of people don’t realize how short it really is until it's too late. I am 25 and have faced death, I looked at it straight in the face. Going through that as well made me appreciate everything even more than a normal at the time 17 year old would but now that I am 25 I have learned so much more and I know I have so much more to learn but I do feel I know a lot more than most people my age due to all I have been through so far in my life and still technically going through. This is partially why I blog my experiences or thoughts just so that people can see it and hopefully learn something maybe?? Haha Or even just relate and understand where I am at in life. 

I am sorry if this one wasn’t the happiest blog but I have gotten a ton of questions of how it is being friends with “sick” people so I figured this would be the easiest way to try to explain it. 

The one thing that does help is that my Blonde Cowboy always comes around with little things to show me he is still here which warms my heart and keeps me going on the hard days.

My goal is still to post once a week lol!

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I love y’all

Love, Kayla